My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
