Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
