glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I will pee on everything he values.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize