once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
