Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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