we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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