We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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