Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
