man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize