So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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