true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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