there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't deserve a penis
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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