Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
