seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize