Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize