I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
