remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
