man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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