dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize