My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
