worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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