We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
