Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
