I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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