he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
