how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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