I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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