i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
