How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
