I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
