Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
