I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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