actually, I'm a sock model
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I skipped work to stalk him.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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