there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
