they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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