tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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