Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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