he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
