i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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