It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
