Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
