The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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