i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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