then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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