My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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