Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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