Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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