When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
