I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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