At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
