i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize