Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I want a musical about memes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize