Apparently you make a good broom.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize