Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize