well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think my moral compass just broke
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
