You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
