I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
