I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I need moral support for this bender
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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