the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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