Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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