he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
