Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
