Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
