T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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