And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
